Catching UP

I am not sure I am familiar with this phrase any more. Some days I feel like I am getting close to the end of the tunnel and then something happens and it sets me back a day or two. I think the most difficult thing is not feeling like anything in your life is under your own control. Even simple things like having control over when you get up, privacy, what you eat, or how your money is spent, are things that most of the time are out of your hands. Even when you plan some time off, you are not really off. For Americans it would be like working for a place that never closes and the door to your apartment is just inside the front entrance. Sometimes we watch old TV show we brought from the US to escape and shut out the activities of the street. Bud and I live close to the road so we are constantly aware of the activity around us. There are times we hear wailing, fighting, gun shots but also the laughter of children. Never a day goes by there is not a person at our door begging for help. I find myself wanting to find a different way to get into my house other then the front door to by pass someone there waiting for me. It is not because we do not want to help them. It is because we can't. It breaks my heart to have to tell them that I have no money to give you. Most of the time they are looking for money for food or medicine. Some are people who are telling the truth, others are truly in need but they try to make their story more desperate to get you to take pity on them. Bud and I have always been people who love to give to others and many times at the expense of our own needs. This is not always a wise thing to do. That is what has happened to us here. We came in with a plan and a budget but much of that is gone now. We always feel we have a better chance of recovery than the people around us. Our problems are nothing in comparison to theirs. This month we have had to pay out a lot of money from our support account for Visa, driver licenses, and now higher medical insurance premium. It all adds up to a couple thousand dollars we had not planned on. This also adds to stress because we know all that money will have to be made up. In my heart I know God will meet this need but the human part of me wants to see how it is all going to work out now. God has brought us through very difficult times in our life and you would think I would be able to just not think about it. But that is not who I am, I am a planner and organizer. I like to be prepared for what lies ahead, I have peace when I feel I can walk away from a job that has all it's ducks in a row, then I feel I have been successful. God is still working on that part of me. The last few days I have really been feeling tired. Not physically but the emotional stress has taken it's toll. My body has always had signals that tell me I am emotionally drained and the stress of living with the constant problems of others has taken it toll, yet I am drawn to this kind of work. I thrive on it, but there comes time I have to give my body a break. We were home for a few weeks but they were not a time of rest but a time of work and heavy schedules of raising support. Come January Bud and I are going to try to take a time of rest in the Dominican if it is at all possible. I was reading this morning a blog of four of our missionaries who are on holiday in the DR and I realize how much Bud and I need to get away as well. Last July we went for a three day holiday and it really was good for both of us, We spent time scuba diving, which really takes you out of this world and puts you in another. It is truly an escape. We are not unique. Many missionaries live like this all over the world. But let me say this it is by the Grace of God we are able to do this. He keeps pulling us through each day. As I think back I can reflect on little perks that God has given us that came out of the blue to pick us up. Little things like a free helicopter ride from Port. A surprise package in the mail. A support check or a gift of money that we did not expect. A friend sending us something we need or bring a us a special food we have been missing. An encouraging word from someone. Or a Haitian telling you how much you have blessed them not by money but because you gave them a little of your time. Or a little time away from work. An English Student getting a job because you helped them learn English. Best of all a recorded book in the mail from your 8 year old grandson and the love of our family. It is all good. But nothing is better than serving God wherever He has chosen for us. The most encouraging thing is when I read His word and He talks to me through it. It is a feeling that He set that time aside especially for me. We all need to feel special.